


I’m In Love With My Best Friend

by leemarkhyuk



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, No Dialogue, Other, Overdosing, Possibly Unrequited Love, Requited Unrequited Love, thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:28:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29078610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leemarkhyuk/pseuds/leemarkhyuk
Summary: i love them, but they don’t love me.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Kim Seungmin/Seo Changbin, Lee Minho | Lee Know & Seo Changbin
Kudos: 1





	1. love u

**Author's Note:**

> cough hey yeah me projecting onto jinnie oops
> 
> HYUNJINS PRONOUNS ARE THEY/THEM  
> MINHOS PRONOUNS ARE CLOUD/CLOUDS  
> SEUNGMINS PRONOUNS ARE HE/HIM

Of course out of the entire world, I fell in love with my best friend. Who is dating someone they love. Am I stupid? Why didn’t I stop myself; I mean I knew it was coming, I can fall for anyone who’s nice to me long enough, but I didn’t stop it knowing how much it would fuck me up. All I do is think about them. And thinking of them makes my mind drift to the fact that they don’t love me the same way I love them, that they love someone else.

How stupid could I be to let this happen?

I don’t like keeping secrets so naturally, I told them. Obviously nothing can come out of it as they don’t see me the same and already have someone by their side, but I still told them. I continued flirting because that’s how I’ve always coped, but unfortunately they flirt back and it hurts. 

I won’t tell them that though.

Can I wake up and take a walk, calm my mind... But that wouldn’t help as I’d just think of them the entire time. Couldn’t I have fallen for another one of my friends? Preferably one I talk to every so often, not the one person I talk to daily. Fuck me, man. How did I end up in such deep shit?

Heartbroken or whatever you wanna call it. It hurts talking to them but I don’t got no one else I can go to. I mean there is Minho, but it’s not like we talk every second of the day like Hyunjin and I. I’d rather have feelings for Minho than Hyunjin any day of the week. Sure having feelings for cloud would suck a bit but at least there’s a chance I could have cloud.

I’m really starting to get sick of this. I try to think about something then my mind goes to Hyunjin and I simply start thinking about the fact that they love someone else. Honestly, fuck me, I’m so tired of this pain. I can barely eat, consciously anyway, whenever I think about that. And I think about that all the time, so automatically binging when I’m stressed doesn’t help. Cutting doesn’t help anymore—yes, I know it’s a shit habit but it’s mine and I’ve learned to deal so fuck off. Writing is practically impossible anymore.

I’m stuck.

Can’t believe this.

Why can’t you just be mine? We’re perfect for each other. We’re exactly what we need, the last two pieces of a fucking puzzle. But I can’t fucking have you.

That sucks.


	2. moving on

So naturally, I try to think of how to get over them. Then again I was in love with a guy for five years so I’m not sure how this will work. I mean, with my ex it took a month, but we also stopped talking to each other in general. The five years guy was also my best friend, always there just like Hyunjin. And it took five years, even through multiple relationships to fully get over him. And I got over him last year so that says a shit ton.

Now how can I get over you, when quite frankly, I don’t fucking want to.

Maybe I go and meet someone new and try to force myself to love them? But meeting new people is hard, and it takes forever to trust someone. I could just date another friend. But if we broke up that’d be kind of weird.

I think if Hyunjin and I were to date and were to break up we’d still be right there for each other, with a tiny bit of awkwardness squeezed in.

What if we kissed? Would they be cheating? I don’t think their relationship is as open as mine. Oh yeah, I’m in a relationship but we’re poly and have set rules. Anyway. What if we kissed but I wanted more? That’d suck. Probably shouldn’t kiss.

But I want too...

But I can’t...

Fuck.

Maybe we shouldn’t have met. I think both of us would’ve killed ourselves by now if we didn’t though. I don’t stay alive for me, I stay because they told me to and tell me to every time I’m about to take my life. Sucks. I wish I were dead.

But maybe we aren’t a good match. I mean, they’re perfect, I’m broken. I’m the mirror and they’re the brush that gets thrown at it.

Man. Why can’t this shit be easier? I wish there was a way to just tell hurt feelings to fuck off. I wouldn’t be depressed. Whatever I guess.

Deal with it, blah blah.


	3. in love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW TALKING ABOUT FORMS OF SELF HARM

What do I do? Hyunjin just told me that they loves me... Like, loves me how I love them. What the fuck? I mean, I don’t know when they came to that conclusion, but god do I wish I knew sooner.

It takes a mental toll when you feel the kind of pain unrequited love brings. We’re all good though. Well, we as in us two. They still has to tell their partner. I don’t know anything about that person nor have we been introduced, which is odd since they’ve been together for months and we’re best friends and they’ve met my boyfriend… It’s whatever I guess.

Minho and I were flirting earlier. Talked about making out or whatever, it was fun. That’s kind of how our relationship was always like though. We... Well I would say “dated” but it was something like that. We didn’t fuck or anything, pretty much stuff new couples do except we were never a couple.

But I’ve always enjoyed our dynamic. Even before Seungmin and I set rules to our relationship, I flirted with cloud. Flirting is a big coping mechanism for me, it’s probably my only good one considering I usually inflict pain to myself. Preferably cutting. I’ll get into that later, but flirting was always something that made me feel good. It’s like, boosting people’s confidences, right? I tell them they’re cute or beautiful, and even if it’s just for the duration of the conversation, they feel good about themselves, and that makes me feel good.

One of the only things I can do right, besides lying. I’m so fucking good at lying I should be a professional. Don’t know if I should talk about my coping mechanisms. 

They suck.

Fuck it.

They’re all forms of self harm, not that I care much about myself. The biggest one is cutting. It’s not necessarily an addiction per se, but I do it a lot. I can go days, weeks, months without cutting and then do it and instantly feel at piece. Of course, studies show the endorphins are released when you cut or something so that’s why there’s a temporary happy from it but it’s whatever. I like doing it. That’s also a problem. Don’t know how to stop though.

I like to take pills. This one, is a bit of an addiction. Unfortunately, silly little me tells Hyunjin most all, and they told me to stop. So I did. But on nights when I think I’m about to end it all I would take a few then still wake up the next morning and live with the regret. I mean—21 days clean and then I fuck it up and still don’t die. What the fuck.

And then there’s flirting but that’s spoken about. I guess other things are punching the wall or a hard surface, pulling my hair, crying, venting to someone, and writing. They’re all much healthier than cutting and overdosing but they’re too weak for me. Only recently have I even punched a wall, and that was today.

Any who, Hyunjin. We’re in love with each other!! That’s!! So!! Exciting!! But we still can’t do anything about it. Seungmin hasn’t spoken to me recently but i sent a text to him about my feelings for Jin. He doesn’t get mad when I have feelings for others because it isn’t something you can control, but I do wonder what he feels inside whenever I do say that. This is the first time I was in love with someone when telling him I’ve got feelings for another.

I love him dearly and I hope he’s doing swell. I’ve sort of done my own persona guarantee that he’s doing well, but I know he was having issue with himself that he never brought up. I don’t think he even knows that I know(knew??) he was having issues with himself.

It’s late. 4am. Time to stop thinking and sleep. Maybe I’ll dream of Hyunjin tonight? Or maybe I’ll dream of Seungmin? Shits complicated.

Night.


End file.
